i love both you and the german language way too much
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Freitag, Juli 30, 2004
it's weird how every time i look at my test papers i see different things. i guess there's just too much information on them to take it all in in one sitting, but this must be the fifth time I've looked closely-ish at them and I feel like i haven't seen half the comments on them. i just noticed today that one of the judges (carol something maybe? must ask suzanne) made a note at the bottom (there are spaces for comments on each individual move, no spaces for general comments...it was like an additional little personal remark kind of...not in a place i was looking for writing) of the sheet suggesting that i have someone tape me and look at my body position...i thought it was nice of her to make the suggestion...really helpful, actually, but i'm afraid it means my posture is SO WEIRD that i'll be disgusted by the tape of the test (which i still haven't gotten around to watching) way more than i normally am by video of me skating. also i thought that the weird way i flex my hands was the only posture comment i got, but looking at the papers today i saw some other weird things about my arms and about me looking at the ice...damn i had no idea i had posture that messed up. of course i could see myself getting so nervous about the threes that day that i was looking at my tracings without thinking about it, but still...the way they were talking i sound like some freaky heron or something. at least that's the image it puts in my mind. i really have to think about correcting all that. and making the threes come back, of course. yeah, mustn't forget the actual skating part of this whole affair. i wish they would settle on a date for the bridgeport test session. i feel like i'm tied to the rinkand i can't plan college visits or woods hole or ryuureu or priya or anything until i know. oh crap i just realized that the date suzanne was floating is probably while we'll be in woods hole. i would really like to pass this effing test sometime before i have to go to college or something. please? my fivestep was really good for me yesterday (wednesday, that is. my it gets late.), which was fun. of course on test i'll be so unbelievably drained by the time I get to it that i can guarantee less than nothing.
also, did it just get suddenly hot in here or am i going through menopause at seventeen?
also i got an account on common app online. fun? no. decidedly unfun. but at least i got to enter basic info and pretend to be doing something to further the application process. i intend to write several little personal narrative-type pieces of college application essay length over the next few days, and then carry around many copies of a packet containing all of them and handing them out to everyone i meet asking for feedback. okay maybe not the insane out-passing part, but i really do want to write a bunch of potential essays. and my little statement to explain the whole dropping out of school bit. I'm also considering sending off emails to a bunch of admisions offices asking how i should apply...for some colleges it seems like it would be easier not to use the 'homeschooled' label, but just to check the 'not currently in school' box...other places that definitely wouldn't work. also the fact that i intend to use mrs honeycutt for a guidance counselor recommendation and stuff, but she's not technically my guidance counselor. i hate filling in forms so much, because nothing ever goes into the categories they've laid out for you. i also hate colleges that want to get to know me as a person. if they think an extra five hundred words is going to give them that big a window into my soul they are FOOLISH and undeserving of my attention. the future class of 2009 (haha. cuz i'll obviously just go to college for four consecutive years and then graduate and make mommy happy. ha (speaking of which the guilt over how much stress i'm causing mommy is mounting! as is the stress/annoyance/generalized ickyness through which i am putting said mommy. i feel very bad, but not bad enough to stop doing it...maybe because i don't think she necessarily has a right to be driven insane by my behavior in this sphere, though of course she can't help it? i don't know. she included me the other day in a characterization of the young as 'selfish and insecure.' hmmmm.).) does not deserve this (i'm sorry for the ridiculous parentheses....follow them back and they should make mathematical and grammatical (the grammar i believe in at any rate) sense).
this post is too long. i am afraid i will have no one to see tmbg with tomorrow, though that won't/wouldn't stop me from going. still not sure whether to take the train or have mommy drive me. why exactly did i tell suzanne i'd be at shelton before 8:15 on saturday morning? that was unwise.
2:23 AM
Mittwoch, Juli 28, 2004
oh before i forget again, i had WEIRD dreams last night. one of them is a little too weird to post in full here because it involved me planning to have sex (but not actually ever having sex) with someone who might end up reading this. actually two people who might read this. it started out being one and then became the other in the way that people become each other in dreams and then i was starting to think i didn't want to do it anymore and the dream ended somewhere around there...really really profoundly weird. in the other dream i remember i was in some kind of massive shopping mall. and i had definitely time traveled there, but several of my friends were there too. jen renzuli, i think. and i was wearing a shirt wiht oscar the grouch on it and she complimented me on it and i said i chose it because i had a feeling i would be time traveling that day and it was classic enough not to stand out in most recent time periods. or it might have been an alternate present, rather than the past or future, cuz only jen and i and maybe some other people were aware that anything was weird....jenny was there but she was...of the world we were visiting and didn't know who i was or that we were friends or something. she was like, taking pictures of some other group of people...including peter stonebely i think? actually no! he was in another dream i just remembered. anyway the mall dream was weird. and i went to like a smoothie place and ordered orange juice and apparently this was not a common beverage in whenever i was so they didn't have any.
oh! the dream i only recently remembered: in it, the fact that i had run into peter stonebely at the train station (that having actually happened in real life) inspired me to go looking for the random kids in our grade i never really knew and say goodbye to them. i think i saw him, aj snyder, and one other person? only they were all three living together, which was weird. anyway i must go. enjoy pondering my easily confused subconscious!
3:28 PM
feeling all uncomfortable inside myself. this is so weird. aah aah trying to calm me down aah.
12:40 AM
Dienstag, Juli 27, 2004
haaaaaated myself actively tonight and i have no idea why. ow shame on me ow. *sigh* silly maggie. ridiculousness is for kids other than you.
11:05 PM
by the way i'm a huge idiot. also by the way i've been introspecting and pondering the nature of friendship-love a lot recently. also wondering how what i think i am, what i want to be, and what other people think i am are related. is there some kind of reality to be found between the three? i kind of doubt it. Why is reality so important to daddy and so much less so to me? he named his first boat reality. and he mentions the fact a lot. i understand the importance of maintaining a grasp on reality and all, but...i guess it's something i deal with selectively while it's allp-important to daddy.
saturday night i felt like i needed to be overlookable and to have no strong beliefs or needs of my own in order to be acceptable to others. last night i felt happywarm and happycold at intervals. tonight i feel lonelyish and wise/arrogant and loved...and i have some generalized sense of worthlessness? hmmm. sleep is definitely important right now
still a big idiot. should not be keeping myself up like this. i bet me a million dollars that little or onon of this makes sense on the morrow.
2:03 AM
reunion was quite fun. trying to balance everyone's happiness becomes even more stressful when it's actually your job, instead of just something you feel irrationally responsible for. i am/was slightly mad at myself/others for one thing, but not mad enough to want to do anything about it. oher than that it was good. i think people had fun. my sleeping habits were, if anything, odder than they've been at other times. people are fun things to have around for a variety of purposes. i love people.
12:23 AM
Mittwoch, Juli 21, 2004
now this is not normally my style, but i feel the need to emulate one heather feinberg and copy an im conversation her. because, you see, erin is a funny funny chica. my heavens she is funny.
blissful10: hey maggie
MogoBogo: hi!
blissful10: How are you?
blissful10: I liked your message
MogoBogo: heheh
MogoBogo: i'm good
blissful10: so what are you up to?
blissful10: I haven't seen you in forever
MogoBogo: i know :-(:-(
MogoBogo: i've mostly been cleaning and writing
blissful10: I went on a college interview yeaterday and I am going on one tomorrow
MogoBogo: oh wwow
MogoBogo: where?
blissful10: well yesterday I went to Wesleyan and tomorrow my mom and I driving to Hamilton for an interview I have there Friday
MogoBogo: cool
blissful10: when is your reunion happening
MogoBogo: this weekend
blissful10: that's cool
blissful10: How many people are you having?
MogoBogo: like fifteen
MogoBogo: at any given time...a few people are only coming for one night
blissful10: I don't know if I'll see you before then:-(
blissful10: unless we did some party driving
MogoBogo: :-(:-(
MogoBogo: but driving is always a party
blissful10: I know
blissful10: It is a lot of fun
blissful10: and Ashley is my angel!
MogoBogo: ooh mine too!
MogoBogo: we still need to go stalk otown
MogoBogo: with a sign
MogoBogo: that says that
blissful10: I kinda tempted right now to go on an otown website
MogoBogo: oh give in eriN!
MogoBogo: you know you want to
blissful10: excpet tim's in the room
blissful10: but maybe I still will
blissful10: we should go to college and create a major. It can be about OTOWN!
MogoBogo: oooh
MogoBogo: i wonder how we could get away with that
blissful10: A major in Otown and a minor in Ashley
MogoBogo: nah i'm majoring in ashley
MogoBogo: he is after all my angel
blissful10: then you can major in Lou
MogoBogo: who's lou, the skeevy manager guy?
blissful10: yea
blissful10: the one who create all the boy bands
MogoBogo: heh.
MogoBogo: he was kind of a pedophile
MogoBogo: ish
blissful10: I know
blissful10: ok tim's out of the room i plan to look for otown stuff
MogoBogo: hahahah
blissful10: he is so hot
MogoBogo: yes i know
blissful10: I'm reading his bio
blissful10: he is very ticklish on the sides of his stomach
MogoBogo: oooooh
MogoBogo: erin you'e reading the NAUGHTY otown websites
MogoBogo: aren't yo?
blissful10: yea, and I just looked at some pictures of Jacob
blissful10: he is not hot
MogoBogo: not even a little bit
MogoBogo: does he still have dreads?
blissful10: \this is before the dreads and he still is not attractive
MogoBogo: oh
MogoBogo: sad
blissful10: wait I have a suprise
MogoBogo: oooh
MogoBogo: what??
blissful10: Chorus
All for love - baby - Girl what I do I do for you
All for love - baby - Baby my love is all for you
Verse 1
Girl you're the only one - I'd ever love and need
Cause when you're here with me - You make me feel
complete
Girl it's too hard to swallow - To know there's no
tomorrow - without you baby
blissful10: imagine Ashley singing it
MogoBogo: oh i am
MogoBogo: :-P
blissful10: wow read your blog
blissful10: a boy really asked allison to say liberty toast
MogoBogo: yeah!
MogoBogo: and then they gave us their mashed potato volcano
MogoBogo: it was so weird
MogoBogo: reallyreallyfunny
blissful10: was he joking
blissful10: that is really funny
MogoBogo: yeah they were joking
MogoBogo: they kept like making funny comments to us
MogoBogo: we laughed
blissful10: that's so funny
blissful10: How old was he?
MogoBogo: definitely older thean us
MogoBogo: there were two of them
MogoBogo: in college
blissful10: were they from staples?
MogoBogo: nah we didn't recognize them
blissful10: hmm maybe they were Weston kids
MogoBogo: heheh. weston. doesn't even have a diner
MogoBogo: heh.
blissful10: I know wha't up with that they have like on restaurant
MogoBogo: yeah
MogoBogo: weirdos
yeah. that's erin being funny. i laugh.
10:54 PM
hahahah. wow. i just ran 2.5 miles at like 11min pace and i'm EXHAUSTED. i'm very sorry, physical maggie. i needed that reminder of all the unbelievable crap i've put you through in the past several days. i'll try to be nicer.
5:52 PM
dude! i just found some unidentified black linen pants in a pile of clothes my mom had folded and left in my room...and they fit really well and they're LINEN and i'm excited. must tell erin. i guess they must be patrick's...hmmm. *finds the right tag* yup, they're in a men's size. heheh. dang i guess that means i should give them back at some point. *shrug* if you're going to be all metrosexual and shop at H+M, you've got to accept that your sister is going to wear your clothes. heehee. i've never been able to steal clothes from anyone.
in other news, last night was slightly weirder than i could handle. people are too monkeying difficult some days; i'm considering recluse-hood. hopefully things are better now than they were before whatever happened happened.... dinering with al jenny and rachel was fun and increased my sanity, though...and the kids at the table next to us interrupted to ask allison to say 'liberty toast' instead of 'french,' then proceeded to be amusingly weird all night then left and gave us the mashed potato volcano one of them had made. so strange. and they were definitely like 20ish and we were highly amused. Oh! and the other funny thing was that when we first sat down we heard them discussing the differences between chicken fingers and buffalo chicken tenders and al joked that she should tell them that the buffalo tenders were really good (i think she tried them for the first time fairly recently?) but decided that would be a little bit much, and then shortly after they (our neighbors) started their strangeness. hahahahah. i still can't believe the kid made a mashed potato volcano.
9:08 AM
Dienstag, Juli 20, 2004
I'm worried about some people. and several of them are myself.
1:37 PM
Montag, Juli 19, 2004
i think i need to implement some kind of think-before-i-speak rule...only i don't think counting to ten would work. i'd need to wait like 24 hours at least. not that practical then, is it? hmm.
3:55 PM
Italian ended. I'm relieved to have the time but actually quite sad to see that class go. I really enjoyed stefania (actually named stephanie i think) and lauren, the two people who were in both 'semsters' of the class with me. Oh! and on thursday when we were doing the little stammtisch thing, as frau would call it, and i said that I'd been to a really good vegetarian restaurant in the city and they asked what is was called and I said "Zen Palate" two of the three (stefania and shannon, a non-vegetarian who goes to nyu) had been there and we were all rejoicing in the memory of how good it was. it's so important to me that i be able to laugh with the people in any class i find myself in...being comfortable and compatible as a group. i find it's hard to do/learn anything with a class that doesn't talk or whose members don't enjoy each other.
2:30 PM
So I try very hard to be accomodating, to be helpful and not hurtful, and not to get in the way. I want to be a person people can talk to, can call on whenever they need something, and can trust to put their interests first. I don't want people to be afraid of how I'll react to things, to find me a burden or pushy or annoying. At least right now, I see my primary purpose in life as supporting as many people as much as I can. I like to feel useful and appreciated. I like making sacrifices for others' happiness. I want to cause as little pain, frustration, annoyance, inconvenience, sadness, embarrassment, or confusion as possible. I want to know the words to cheer people up, to be a good listener, to give good advice, to be available to my friends and to random people who randomly need some kind of help. I try to protect people from the knowledge that they're hurting me. I try to tell people calmly when they're making me angry, and only when it's important. I try to apologize for everything I'm sorry I've done.
I really don't know how much I meet any of these ideals...I'm probably least like that with the people I love the most, and that's probably both good and bad. The question of the evening/morning, though, is what parts of that are healthy to strive for, and to what degree? I always get on Erin's case about having the disease to please, but I often feel like I'm doormat-ifying myself a little. Of course I also often feel horribly assertive and talk-too-much-y and stuff. and i'm never afraid to seek advice/help when i'm sad/upset. I don't know. I've read ideas that part of American female conditioning is to be non-threatening, to take up very little emotional space, and that that desire is connected to the need for thinness. hmmm. Tall nonthin girl like me trying to make herself smaller and quieter? I wonder.
Actually I've just been thinking that I only have a few relationships that aren't very screwed up, and that nearly all of them are the people I've known since the beginning of time. actually i'm not sure if that's true. you can ignore this wee little mini-paragraph. but everything IS easier and better with my westport girlies. i take them for granted way to much. how in the hell am i ever going to college (schmollege)? is there an echo?
5:26 AM
Sonntag, Juli 18, 2004
so i think i've spent the past little-more-than-a-year-or-so trying to prevent myself from feeling, or pretending not to feel, any inconvenient emotions. i am now very very very confused. especially about boy-types, i think...i've put so much energy into avoiding and denying being interested in people who have girlfriends, or who are in one of several ways affiliated with friends of mine, or who probably don't/wouldn't like me or probably don't/wouldn't like me as much as i like them, or are in some other way unavailable, off-limits, risky, confusing, troublesome, or frightening (please forgive the run-ons, theyre how i think and i don't entirely care whether you understand this, loves. sorry.), that i have absolutely no way of telling whether i have amorous feelings for ANYONE. it's such a problem. I think the last time i allowed myself to 'have a crush on' someone was at cty...and even then i was declaring them over or not serious or never to have existed when i realized that they were annoying and disruptive to my life/emotional stability. so um. yeah. i may or may not be in love with you, dear anonymous reader, but i certainly can't tell which. how to fix the situation? actually maybe it's not worth fixing...i mean, yeah, i'm fencing off my emotions, denying what i feel, confusing the hell out of myself, and getting kind of numbed, but i tend to be a bit emotionally over-the-top so why not freeze some of that? and...it's kind of better to be numbed and confused than to be all inconveniently 'in like with' one of those off-limits people.
...okay, so it defintely needs fixing. i'm totally not okay with the situation. but how to fix? i know not. *shrug* this isn't so bad for the short term. :)
10:26 PM
Samstag, Juli 17, 2004
getting into jenny's pool yesterday...
jenny: maggie, when was the last time you shaved your legs?
me: ...last summer?
heehee. see, it's not generally that noticeable. and why shouldn't i be hairy, anyway. but really the leg-shaving (or veet-ing, actually) urge has been upon me for the past month or so and I don't know what to do! I'd rather have smooth legs than fuzzy legs, but I'd rather have fuzzy legs than prickly ones! Shaven legs are only really comfortable on the day you shave them, and then only if you do a kickass job which, obviously, i never do. legs at that stage LOOK smoother than mine, but that's not my objective. i don't want all-for-show legs (especially considering how much of them i keep covered how much of the time) that are all spiky and uncomfortable to rub together. hmmmmm. but i tried a little bit of the veet on my ankle and it was mo smooth for like a day or two and it made me crave the shave. *kills self for unnecessary stupid rhyme*
blog, i love you in part becuase you take me as seriously when i wonder whether to shave my legs as when i wonder whether to go to college.
10:12 PM
Freitag, Juli 16, 2004
they've started coming back and it's so weird. it's both bringing me back to that most completely desperate feeling of loss and whatever else it is, but at the same time making the distance between me right now and me then clearer than it's been for me yet. i can't decide if i like it or not. sure i still haven't completely accepted cty's overness, and sure i still sometimes will go through periods where i hurt intensely because of that, or will have a short stretch of the panicky cryingy sadness thing, but...it's getting better and i'm coming to understand it more and it's okayifying itself. i guess i was bound to grow up in some wee little way one of these days...just don't expect any more of it!
4:27 PM
stuff's been weird and i haven't been able to write about it...and other stuff's been good and i haven't felt like writing about it. and...yeah. i'm stalling on my plans for next year because, though i've pretty much decided that i want to do the columbia math thing, i don't want to be busy and...i don't know. I'm so completely unsure of what's me and my interests and what's other people and my desire to seem interesting or admirable to them. the library book sale starts tomorrow and i am mad excited. not that i don't already have enough books sitting around waiting to be read to last me for a while, but i love HAVING books so i can look at them and touch them and have read seven of them at once.
brian just walked in!!!!! that was surprising. he knew the piano tuner was coming and wanted to play. now he's upstairs playing something i haven't heard yet. preeetty. i miss the musica when it goes away. the second thing i noticed when he walked in (after the fact that he was himself) was that he was wearing this pink plastic headband with little silver bead-y things on it.
so i said ' you're wearing a feminine headband'
and he said 'it's not feminine, it's iconoclastic'
and so i said 'iconoclastic?'
and he said 'or, according to patrick, iconoplastic'
...as usual, i have paraphrase and used " ' "s anyway. lo siente, mi dispiace, und es tut mir, wirklich leid.
i signed up for the blood drive at the church tomorrow, thus exercising one of my seventeen-year-old priveledges. now all that's left is...having sex in ny state? hmmm.
1:03 PM
Sonntag, Juli 11, 2004
Do i really want to go to college next year? i think so, but some things about settling back into the normal course of life for people my age bother me...like i want to know i'm not just getting pulled along in the stream, but it's so easy to get caught up in what other people are doing once i get started. and i'm afraid of falling back into the whole grade addiction trap. i don't know. i also can't really imagine myself ever living in the real world. actually, that's not entirely true...there are times when i feel like i can see my whole life going down in any number of good and reasonable ways, but at other times, specifically now, i get the feeling that i won't find anywhere to fit the kind of life i might like to lead into reality, or ever learn to balance my insanely activity-craving over-committing side with my desire for mellowness and my complete inability to cope with stress. or to survive on little sleep. hmmm.
5:03 PM
Samstag, Juli 10, 2004
*sigh* i feel really good because I just had a long, satisfying, slow run. *sigh* again. my muscles are all loose and relaxed and...maleable, and haven't realized they're tired yet, and that post-excercise relaxation bit is kicking in with the endorphins or cannibanoids (have no idea how to spell't) or whatever's responsible for the happy-feeling post-running relaxation. *sigh* *smile* i'm molto content.
later i want to talk about the italian festival and maybe the fly that was in my car a few days ago. now, though, i read.
8:27 PM
Freitag, Juli 09, 2004
So there's this sign at stop and shop, over where they were previously selling fireworks:
FIREWORKS
PLEASE
NO SMOKING
Now, I know they mean 'please don't smoke, there are fireworks here,' but when I read it I see 'light fireworks instead of smoking' which ties in so well with my dream of lighting up a sparkler on the break of my italian class when the other girls are smoking, and just using sparklers in general whenever a smoker might have a ciggarette. so that should maybe be my motto...or the number one law of the wee little nation in my bedroom: Fireworks, please; no smoking.
12:59 PM
Donnerstag, Juli 08, 2004
apollo 13 rocks my socks. i never love that movie any less.
12:44 PM
Mittwoch, Juli 07, 2004
i think i'm looking unusually cute right now. shame no one else is here to appreciate it! ahh well *gazes narcissistically at her reflection* :p
12:46 PM
Dienstag, Juli 06, 2004
*kinda wants to cry* i feel very very very bad about how not close to daddy i am. i don't really know what to do. i try to talk to him 'n' stuff most days. i felt like i/we were ignoring him tonight, though. i'm sorry daddy!!!! i also tend to feel guilty hugging mom extendedly or sitting in her lap or even being all silly and dancy and laughing with her around him because i feel like he's left out. but there's not really anything to be done about it. i suppose i COULD hug dad more, but we've never reeaaally been like that. he's not a huggy person so much. or a dancy one. or... i don't know. yet again i just totally don't understand that man. but i feel bad. and i feel like i trampled his attempts to add to the conversation a little today...i did it by accident but i could have tried more vigorously to ask 'what were you going to say' to bring him back in. but i was embarassed to do it cuz he didn't look like he was trying to speak, and i guess i also just didn't want to hear what he was going to say, because the things he says so often bother me. *beats self* maggie, be nicer to your father, please. be less of a selfish princessbitch. thank you.
11:36 PM
so i've been amused by the 'welcome to westport, home of the 9-10-year-old little league baseball 2003 state champions' signs on BOTH borders on the post road (also the 'welcome to westport / slow down, we inforce our laws' sign, but that's unrelated). well, yesterday, as i was driving to bed bath and beyond, i saw a welcome to NORWALK sign a few feet away from the westport little league sign but, of course, facing in the opposite direction, and IT was boasting of some 14-year-old baseball accomplishment from like 1998 or around then!!! strange, no? is this a common thing for towns to advertise at their borders, or are westport and norwalk having a private battle for little league supremacy? if we ARE in a feud w-po is most decidedly winning. i mean come on. they're still talking about a victory from last century. residents of norwalk, darlings, it's time to move on.
1:01 PM
Montag, Juli 05, 2004
went to LAN to visit cty over the weekend. as i so frequently find with things that affect me seriously, i haven't got words to write about it right now. i was miserable miserable miserable at one point, but left quite happy and was even able to listen to some canon (started with my skidmore cd which has less strong associations) on the way home, and THAT was good. not to say i didn't cry a lot, but i was able to focus a lot on the joyfullness of the memories and less on the why-can't-i-be-in-that-now-ness. plus i miss a lot of those songs. i bought two comforters today because i've decided not to pursue a bed or futon of any kind now, and they're nice and comfy and yayful. but i bought less-cheap ones because the cheap ones were just...sucky and awful and not something i want next to my skin, and then i also bought some less-sucky sheets, again nowhere near as expensive as sheets can get, but still...and then mom basically said we're pretty low on extra money for random stuff like that now, but that it was fine but that i should be aware, and now i feel all aaaaaah! guilty. oh well. i guess i'll just try not to collect on allowance for a few weeks to alleviate some of the guilt.... i also bought this one faux suede throw that i totally didn't need and intend to pay mom back for (i've decided that i want to work in gymboree or petit patapon or pre-schoolians SOOOOOO badly next year...mom was saying how the pre-schoolians display made her want to break the window and steal all the little baby shoes), but it's unbelievably comfy and soft in two different ways on its two different sides. seeing erin gets her hands (or her face) on it will be HIGHLY amusing. but seriously. all i want to do is nuzzle that thing for the rest of my life. well, not quite, but it's really soft and yayful.
update on this, as of august 6: i want to remember that i hugn around during the first friday, took college tour and info session and discreetly said hi to people for a few minutes at a time, then came back at night, got questioned by admins hunting around campus (probably for runaways from the dance), then snuck into the dance for a few minutes but it was stressful and awful, before i managed to get in i heard nightswimming and i was all alone and it sucked. then i went back to the hotel, called ken but couldn't make myself cry to him or tell him more than that it kinda sucked and i was in a sad (or something) mood, then he left and i was all alone and there was no one i was comfortable enough with calling who would also understand and so i felt absolutely horribly alone and terrible until i finally fell asleep. MIGHT have been the worst fifteenish mood-minutes of my life, not sure. the next morning i read a lot then managed to hall myself out to meet them at angry young and poor (i almost decided not to after having the dance suck so much) after being lost a lot i found them when i had just about given up, got out, gave my presents, got many hugs and much love and was made happy, was questioned briefly by adam-the-ra-and-former-student but wasn't sent off, ran away before the other ra came out and there was badness, and was waved off like in the sound of music and felt very loved. after that i was able to listen to some canon on the way home. i also spent hours and hours that day reading, which may have been unrelated but was a big breakthrough for me, something i hadn't done in years and haven't really done since as of this update, which is, again, written on august sixth. that's what i think i want to remember. yes.
9:56 PM
Donnerstag, Juli 01, 2004
I know this is random but i'm secretly (or not, considering that i'm posting it now) actually really afraid that bono's going to die at 24. isn't that morbid and stupid of me? but it scares/worries me a lot and i can't shake it.
1:59 PM
Mrs. Honeycutt should be glad she's on vacation.
12:48 PM
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